We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? #1

I used to keep journals as a child, teenager and sporadically through college, so writing a blog shouldn't be a big deal, right? I don't know how I feel about the world knowing my every thought and feeling, but I will be under a blanket of anonymity…..and I'm not sure the world is ready to be inundated the intense and ever-changing emotions of a 24-year old who is not quite sure if she is ready to, or even how to, grow-up. I always seem to journal when I am at emotional extremes – very angry, very sad or very happy. But if that's something the world doesn't mind….all I can say is this blog is sure to be very schizophrenic (and hopefully, entertaining).

Case in point - I've already become anxious enough about the impending job search and the absolute scariness of my future that I broke down and bawled. Last night. Not just two or three glistening tears, but a volatile river poured out, threatening to drown me in misery for the rest of my life. The semester hasn't even started and I am completely freaking out. I am worried about my courses this next semester (I have two professors who give ungodly amounts of work, including one that's emails you at ungodly hours of the night – 2AM, 3AM – to provide comments on your work or provide the entire class with commentary or extra readings/assignments). Plus I have my assistantship (which I like, but don't love and am not completely looking forward to returning to in a few weeks) and a personal goal to start exercising again. I want to have time to spend with my boyfriend. And on top of that people expect me to find a job!?!?!?!?!?! What if I don't? What am I gonna do?

If you can't already tell, I am a worrier. And this is why I became overwhelmed and cried like a baby in my dad's arms last night. Yes, my dad. I am at home for winter break and my boyfriend wasn't around.

My boyfriend. That's one of the reasons this job search will be even more stressful and difficult. He is in my program, but still has another year of school left. I want to stay with him, but a long distance relationship is something neither of us wants. We had to do it over the summer when I was six hours away working at my summer internship. It was difficult and we really don't want to have to do that again. He says he understands if I need to take a job not in the area. He doesn't want to hold me back, so he's not going to tell me, "Don't take that job; it's too far away." But that's not what I want to hear. I want to be with him, and I want him to tell me to stay close because he needs me. Why, oh why, does he have to have another year of school? And his idea of “too far" and mine are not the same. He somehow thinks that four hours away is okay and that we'd still see each other often enough at that distance. I don't think so. I am thinking two hours, max. But with the economy and competition for jobs in Higher Ed being what they are, will a two-hour radius be enough? I am lucky, of course, that there are approximately 30-40 institutions within a two-hour radius. That is one good thing about our current location. Of course, I would rather be only a ½ hour to hour away. Or to work at my graduate institution, if possible. Although it's not the type of institution I'd prefer, I could work there for a year if I had to.

So there's a quick look into my world, my mind, and my possible insanity. Strap yourself in, because if you continue to read, you're in for an interesting ride.